The Wacky Adventures of Deadpool
by RabidSonicFan
Summary: Narrated by none other than the Merc With a Mouth himself, join your favorite anti-hero as he does... things! It doesn't have to be... EXCITING things; he could just be like... trying to get milk out of the fridge or something. You're the one who may or may not choose to be reading this. So, read it. Because I told you to.
1. Episode 1

Welcome nerds, geeks, and various other words for comic book readers! It's everyone's favorite Merc with a Mouth: DEADPOOL (Not that the title didn't make it obvious enough)! Now, it's time for you all to gather 'round my awesome presence... EXCEPT FOR YOU, DC FANS... oh hell, even DC fans! Get over here, you lil' scamps! Today, I'm going to tell everyone a little tale of mine... a tale, known as:

**MOJO JO-JO**

Look at that awesome font! IT'S SO BOLD (Get it? Because... Because it's bold...?)! But, getting back to the point, I bet you're asking why the title is a blatant rip-off of a Powerpuff Girls villain! Well... if you're an X-Men guy (Which you SHOULD be, considering that... y'know, I AM), I think you might know where this is going. And with that note, this story of awesomeocity begins with me doing what I do best...

"WHEN THE HELL DID THEY STOP SHOWING GOLDEN GIRLS?!" I screamed with righteous fury, throwing my cup of ICEE at the TV, "Blech... every TV show today sucks; why can't they just have every show that I used to like?!"

I lazily pick up the remote and switch it to another channel.

_"WELCOME TO PAIN FACTOR, a dangerous (not to mention illegal) reality show that is somehow shown on TV now; and (as always), your host is me: DEADPOOL, because my name always requires capital letters! In our new episode, people try to survive... erm... MY FANS! That's right... YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SURVIVE MY FANS."_

_"But you killed all of your fans."_

_"That's what YOU think," _he (I?!) said, pulling a tarp off of a random stack of fans (Ya' know... the ones with blades...? NO, NOT THE VAMPIRE HUNTER, YOU DUMB-),_ "HA! I have fooled you with my clever use of wordplay! NOW FEAR THEIR MIGHTY BLOWING POWERS!"_

"Glad to know Ultimate-Me is still getting work," I said, turning off the TV, "Maybe I should go check out how Logan is doing; surely he needs to take a break from the five on-goings he's in right now…?"

I finally rose off my ass and was finally about to step out of my apartment until...

"WHOA! An unexplained aura of energy is teleporting me to another location against my will…! Am I in another team-up book with Cable already…? NICOLE, HAVE YOU COME BACK TO ME?!"

"Who's Nicole…?" Someone asked... in that usual perplexed tone that everyone uses when they talk to me.

"One of my editors; she managed to tolerate me for a whopping 50 issues! If that isn't love, I don't know what is..."

"Erm... yes... I take it that you're Deadpool…?"

"Yup; in the constantly-regenerating flesh…! And I take it that YOU'RE that guy from Clockwork Orange! ... Or the Red Guy from Cow and Chicken."

"No... I AM MOJO!"

[DP's Note: If you don't know who Mojo is… well, you don't know who Mojo is. You need to get on that; Wikipedia exists for a reason, guys.]

"Oh, really...? Well, just be glad that I didn't make an Austin Powers refere-whoops, just did."

"ENOUGH! I know that you have experience with television..."

"Well, as I established earlier, that's technically Ultimate-Me, but I guess you could say that."

"Well, regardless, how would you like to be in MY show? With your extraordinary abilities, you could be my new rising star!"

"And what would happen if I DON'T take part in this, exactly...?"

"Instant disintegration..."

"THEN I'M IN!"

"EXCELLENT! We'll start filming right away!"

"Awww... I don't even get any green M&Ms…?"

"AAAAND... ACTION…!"

I stand around for a little bit, staring at the camera.

"… That means you're supposed to do something."

"Oh, right."

Like a badass, I whip out my two katana (technically ninjatō, but that doesn't sound as cool); slicing the camera in half.

"_Deadpool…!_"

"I know; awesome, right…?"

Mojo facepalms, apparently unable of comprehending my stroke of genius. "Let's… try something more _complicated._"

I am then transported to a set resembling the Savage Land.

[DP's Note: Read some comics or something.]

"So, uh… what now…?" I asked, stroking my handsome brow.

"Don't worry…" Mojo said, licking his ass-ugly face, "Your 'co-stars' should assist you in _this_ scene…!"

Suddenly, several Raptors ran through the shrubbery, heading right for lil' ol' me. "_Alright;_ you didn't tell me we were shooting the new Jurassic Park…!" I unleash my two pistols, even taking the time to twirl them around before popping a cap in those prehistoric bastards… though apparently I get _too_ carried away, shooting at another one of the cameras.

"_DEADPOOL…!_" Mojo yelled, obviously disgruntled, "This is a _LIVE BROADCAST…!_"

"Oh, c'mon, ma; gimme one last chance…!" In a move completely uncharacteristic of me, I kneel down, begging. "I can change, I tells ya'; _I CAN CHANGE…!_"

"Fine…" Mojo grumbles, "Just _one_ last chance…!"

"YIPEE…! You won't regret it; I swear!"

"I _better_ not…"

I am then transported into an extravagant car chase, where I—"What the hell is that doing here?!" Immediately shoot the camera again. Because I'm an asshole.

"_Execute him,"_ Mojo said (quite angrily, I might add).

Knowing that my presence was no longer needed, I took it upon myself to teleport myself out of harm's way… and replace me with my Ultimate-Self. Because once again; I'm an asshole. As such, I was able to spend the rest of my day binging on chimichangas and watching crappy Doug McClure movies… hey, it's not exciting, but it's a happy ending if I ever saw one… which I didn't, because this is purely in text. Why are you reading this? Go do something more productive with your time… like, hell if I know what it is, but just do it. Right now. I've got time… Which is exactly why I'm still writing this damn thing... I need help.


	2. Episode 2

**HUGH-JA$$ SPECIAL MONSTER FIGHT THING A GO-GO! **

**... Also, BOOM!**

Greetings, nerds! If you have a serious case of blindness in your right eye or accidentally stumbled onto this terrible story somehow, my name's Deadpool! Right now, I've been given an assignment in none other than—_drum roll, please_—TOKYO, JAPAN! Why…? Well, what property formerly licensed by Marvel is going to have a new movie soon…? Legends of Oz, what…? There's gonna be an animated movie of—_No_, it's not Legends of Oz; IT'S _GODZILLA! _Why would you even guess that…? Let's… Let's just start the story…

* * *

We start off our harrowing tale with the _dastardly_ Doctor Demonicus: an obscure villain in Marvel Comics' rogues gallery, who is _definitely_ not related to and/or affiliated with Doctor Doom in any way, shape, or form. But regardless, being a super villain and all, he's currently in prison… not a very high-security one, though, because no one gives two shits about 'im. So, he's just stuck on Ryker's Island instead.

CUE CLICHÉ VILLAIN DIALOGUE:

"One day, I, _DR. DEMONICUS, _shall escape from this lowly prison and get revenge on all of those simpletons responsible for containing me here...! If I wasn't given a life-sentence, that is…" He sighs, like the pathetic loser he is. "Still though, it's nice to dream…"

He stares longingly out of the window in his cell… until he hears a commotion going on through the prison. Several AIM agents then break through the door, two of them grabbing him by the arms.

"What is the meaning of this?!"

"Don't worry, doc," said a third one, walking into the room, "Our boss just wants your help with a little project we're working on…!"

"Anything to get me out of jail, I guess."

"Now, _that's_ the talk I like to hear…!" He snaps his finger, signaling the guards to let his arms go. He then takes out a mobile device, with a video feed of the big-headed freak himself: MODOK.

"Greetings, Doctor…" he rasped, "So, I hear you have a lot of experience with kaiju…"

* * *

So, now that I've got all of that boring set-up out of the way, it's time to get to what you've all been waiting for: _ME_! So, as usual, I was chilling out on my couch, when I suddenly got a call from some guy named Robert Takaguchi. Apparently, AIM opened up shop in Japan and [with Demonicus's help] were creating a device with the ability to control giant monsters; and given that this is _Japan_ we're talking about, it won't take long for a successful field test, if you catch my drift. So, he offered me about one hundred million yen for the job… which I think is only about ten dollars here, but I was feeling awfully generous today… and free vacations are always nice too. Eventually [after I exhausted all of my porn], I finally arrived at the Japanese airport, where I was soon greeted by my piggybank—I mean, client.

"Greetings…!" said Mr. Takaguchi, running up to shake my hand, "You must be Deadpool!"

"Yup; in the constantly-regenerating fle—Oh wait, I already made that joke in the last chapter…"

Takaguchi laughs. "I was told that you would be a little… 'Eccentric'…!"

"Eccentric's my middle name…!" I proclaimed, showing off my greatness to the viewing public, "… Or is it Winston? I've never been all that great with continuity."

Robert nervously chuckled, moving me through the airport. "So, you'll do _anything _to get the job done…?"

"That's one of my delightful quirks, yes."

"Good…" We then slip into a limo; his face turning grim as he hands me an old photograph of Godzilla. "Recognize him…?"

"One of the most recognizable icons of the past 60 years…? Nope! Never heard of 'im."

"He used to be one of my friends…"

I stifled a hearty chuckle. "_Really_ now…?"

He nods. "Yes… and he's also completely unstoppable. I had to drive him out to the sea years ago because he nearly killed _the Avengers_."

I look over at him in shock and awe. "EX-QUEEZE ME…?!"

"If AIM's little mind-control scheme works, the world will be _doomed…_ I usually don't condone violence, but you must stop them by any means necessary."

I give a small salute. "Yes, Takagachi-san…! Now, if you _excuse_ me…" I opened one of the doors and stepped out of the van, which was speeding along at about 45 MPH. LIKE A _BOSS. _I managed to catch a small glimpse of Robert saying something like: "_That man is SO weird…_" Apparently, he doesn't recognize true greatness.

* * *

Meanwhile, after healing all of my [totally necessary] self-inflicted wounds, I used Rob's coordinates to locate AIM's base of operations: a recently-opened electronics store; creative, I'll give them that. Being the expert assassin I am, I decided to wait until the dead of night to sneak in… So, I decided to stop at the book shop next door. Thankfully, the Japanese have an, um… _interesting_ selection, so the wait wasn't _too_ painful… Well… I wasn't bored, anyways… I should just stop talking now. ANYHOO, after several hours after… whatever the hell I just read, I hopped my cute little tush into a nearby tree, avoiding detection; spotting two emo-looking kids as they walk out.

*Translated from Japanese… you're welcome.*

{"Hey, Ichiro, I just got Titanfall for Xbox yesterday; wanna try it out?"}

{"Totally…! But what's an Xbox?"}

After that little bit of COMPLETELY NECESSARY social satire, I hop down, casually slicing—I mean, _sneaking_ my way into the store.

"Now, if I were an evil organization led by a giant floating baby head, where would _I_ hide…?"

I walk around, looking over at a door labeled 'Basement'.

"Hm… I have a feeling that this basement isn't REALLY a basement… just clarifying for the readers out there, because you NEED me to explain it for you; _obviously._"

After I pat myself on the back for that vicious acknowledgement of your intellect, I open the door, immediately coming face-to-face with a bunch of guys in hazmat suits… oh wait, those are AIM agents. Right… They look really stupid, now that I think of it.

"Uh… Hi!"

"YOU…" MODOK says, turning around to face me.

"… Is the letter after T, yes, now; can I just destroy your machine and get this over with or are things gonna have to get messy…?"

"KILL HIM!"

Grinning under my mask, I whip out my favorite guns. "Messy it is then…"

I shoot at swarms of AIM agents, causing a total bloodbath.

"DEMONICUS," MODOK yelled, "ACTIVATE THE MACHINE!"

"But, it's not rea-"

"I don't _care;_ just _DO IT!_"

Demonicus winces as he pulls the switch to activate the big son of a bitch.

MODOK stares; like someone just killed his puppy or something. "Nothing's happening…"

"Just give it a secon-" Before he could finish, he was suddenly stomped on by a certain giant foot. We all look up, seeing the Big G himself.

"YES," MODOK exclaimed, "IT WORKED!"

In a form of what professionals like to call "Karma" (I just like to think of it as "Hilarious"), Godzilla thwacks the machine with his tail, instantly destroying it.

"Well…!" I said, activating the teleporter on my belt, "I think I'll just leave the rest of this to my big green friend up here…! Buh-Bye…!"

So, I teleported away in a red flash, leaving MODOK and his cronies to be torn all to hell by that inconsistently-sized/radioactive fire-breathing dinosaur. I heard that he went back to the Pacific Ocean soon after… and inadvertently killed hundreds of people due to his little walk through the city. Whoops. Regardless, I collected my reward (which I recently just found out was actually a _lot_ more than ten dollars) and went back to my apartment, where I soon got another phone call:

"Um… I hear that HYDRA is resurrecting some sort of giant gray robot that can transform into a gun and—"

"Sigh… I'm on it."

"Why did you just say "Sigh" out loud…?"


End file.
